The Dark Moose Bossk Haiku Collection

Recently a reader (and it should be noted only one reader) asked if I could dig up my old haiku collection dedicated to the Trandoshan bounty hunter Bossk, first seen in Empire Strikes Back.

In case you’ve forgotten, Fandom, a haiku is a traditional Japanese form of poetry in a three-line format with seventeen syllables, five syllables on the first line, seven syllables on the second, and five again on the third and final line.

Poets.org tells us that a traditional haiku “emphasizes simplicity, intensity, and directness of expression.”   To me, Bossk exemplifies all of these qualities.

So.  First published 13 years ago in the StarWars.com blogs, I give you the nearly complete Dark Moose Bossk Haiku Collection.  As you read these,  ponder important questions, Fandom.  Questions like…”why?”

(Oh, and… it helps to listen to traditional Japanese Koto music while you do this…this very silly thing, Fandom.)

 

 

*ahem*

 

 

“We don’t need that scum”
He said of bounty hunters
That man made me cry

 

“Grr-snarfflll” I said
But no one listens to me
I have to go pee

 

I-G-Eight Eight Jerk
He still owes me 20 bucks
He won’t even say hi

 

I’m so embarrassed
Vader said to hurry up
I forgot my shoes

 

Hey I wonder if
That “No disintigrations”
Applies to me, too

 

Yes, I’m Trandoshan
But what no one ever asks –
What gender am I?

 

Piett doesn’t like me
He’s Vader’s new Admiral
So he won’t live long

 

No one believes me
When I tell them the truth that
I’m not a bald dog

 

Folks always ask me
When I’m about to kill them
“Dude – what is that smell?”

 

I don’t wear helmets
Because my face is so cool
Fett must be ugly

 

I wonder if Darth
Would get mad at this meeting
If I raise my hand

 

I bet Boba tries
His stupid Hide in Junk Trick –
He is so so lame

 

If I find them first
I might get a cameo
on Bounty Hunters

 

I’m glad I was asked
To come to this meeting, but
I don’t speak Human

 

Do you guys think I’ll
ever be a popular
new action figure?

 

I hope that Vader
Will be cool and validate
my parking stub, yo

 

I could have sworn that
when I came on board the ship
Fett had no accent

 

I had to grow back
my arm again and I thought,
“This job kinda sucks”.

 

Fett did not like it
When I warned him not to go
“lose his head out there”

 

When I explain that
I’m a Trandoshan hunter
They all say “Tran-what?”

 

People poke my head
They think it’s a rubber mask
And then I shoot them

 

Lizards are People
But no one ever thinks that
So I shoot them more

 

Now that we’re done here
What do you say if Vader
Takes us out for beer?

 

When you’re Trandoshan
It’s very very hard to find
sunglasses that fit

 

She said “manicure”
I said “you mean, claw-icure?”
She didn’t laugh though

 

Dead or alive, huh?
Well you didn’t specify
“not chewed on some”

 

I’ve always liked “Bossk”
Because you can’t rhyme with it
No stupid nicknames here

 

I wonder if that
Needa knows there’s a little
Ship stuck to his hull…

 

People ask me what
All the straps are for on my suit
“For my pants, stupid”

 

I hope they pay me
In some meat this time because
Empire Credits suck

 

They have all these clones
And all these Star Destroyers
And they need us, too?

 

Folks aren’t aware that
The cartridges around my legs
Are really Snickers bars

 

Someday I will be
The Most famous Trandoshan
in Haikus ever

 

All the Trandoshans
in Republic Commando
Just seem way too short

 

IG-Eighty-Eight
Didn’t see when I loosened
A few of his nuts

 

Boba and Vader
Are making too much chit-chat
And thats just not fair

 

If you look at me
With the eyes of Star Wars fans
I’m not so ugly 

 

If a Trandoshan
kills someone with no witness
Does it make a sound?

 

What’s really cool is
The tubing around my neck
Holds six cans of beer

 

People often ask
“What’s up with your bloodshot eyes”
And I drink more beer

 

Boba Fett is small
He’s skinny and wears knee pads
Think I could take him?

 

I have big red eyes
At least I think they are red
But I’m color blind

 

They want Skywalker –
So why are they freaking out
About Han Solo?

 

I’ll go find the ship
But there’s no way I’m touching
That Chewbacca guy

 

I’m late cuz I lost
change in the Imperial
Pop Vending machine

 

I think that Vader
Is mad all the time because
His codpiece is small

 

I can’t wait to start
So I can find Han Solo.
He’s cool. Dead, but cool.

 

I think that Bousch guy
Walks kinda funny, you know?
Kinda like a chick

 

These Imp Destroyers
Are always so cold to me
My earbuds are hard

 

Halloween’s coming
Wonder what I should go as?
Maybe a Jawa

 

You know, I asked for
A pen from that jerk Needa
He Told me “get bent”

 

Trandoshans are nice
Once you get to know us and
You’re not slaves or food

 

In that X-Box game
called Republic Commando
That Sev looks tasty

 

Yes, My name is Bossk
That’s Bossk with 2 S’s for
Shoeless and Sexy

 

I once shot a man
People say just for snoring
TimeLife books say so

 

I’m a Trandoshan
And in a steel ship I ride
Wanted, Dead or Alive

 

Don’t ask Rodians
To do a Trandoshan’s job
Solo would be toast

 

Christmas for my folks
Is the same for you except
We eat each other

 

Happy New Year scum
My resolution is to
Hunt you for money

 

If I had the Force
Would they call me a crazy
Old Lizard Wizard?

 

Boba’s ship looks like
A really really big shoe
Call it “Boba Foot”

 

IG-88 is
A big glorified toaster
Holding a blaster

 

Everyone has a
Helmet on their head so I
Can’t hear anything

 

 

DM out

 

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About The Dark Moose 16 Articles
The Dark Moose is an administrator on the Port Haven Forums and a regular contributor to Port Haven Magazine. He gained internet fame as a moderator and blog contributor on StarWars.Com. He is currently being treated for his addiction to pineconez at an undisclosed location. Or not.

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